Finding Faith

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for a lot of reasons. But what I have been thinking about the most is my friend Kyle and trying to grasp where he is now. I feel very lucky and fortunate that I have yet to experience the death of someone close to me in my life. My great grandmother died when I was around 12 years old and she was in her 90s and although I was very sad, she had lived a long full life and I knew that this was "normal." I´ve known parents of friends, and grandparents of friends, and friends of friends who have passed away, but Kyle is the first person, the first friend, someone my age, I´ve known to die. It´s been very hard for me to conceptualize where he is right now. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school in New York until 5th grade. I receieved my First Holy Communion, Confession and Confirmation. Even though I wouldn´t consider myself very religious I pray almost every night and when I can´t sleep I recite my "Hail Marys" and "Our Fathers" in my head. I´ve always believed in heaven and that is where you go when you die. Heaven looks down on Earth. Everyone wears white robes with gold belts, kind of like the ancient Greeks. They walk on clouds and it is always daylight. There are beautiful waterfalls, rivers, flowers and butterflies and someone is playing the harp. Our deceased family members and friends can float down to Earth and whisper into our ears when we need help.

Now that I am actually experiencing what it is like to lose someone, especially someone who was so young, with so much ahead of him, someone I used to see every day and didn´t think much of it, I have so many questions. Death isn´t something that my friends and I talk about every day like we do relationships, food, working out and travel plans. You hear about people dying all the time, but it sounds so far away and isolated and factual- Kyle Craig died at 1am May 22nd. It sounds so...abstract...

Kyle´s funeral is today. Will his ghost be there, sitting next to his family, watching them remember him and honor his short life? Will he try to call out and touch them like Patrick Swayze in "Ghost?" Has his spirit been born into someone else´s body? Does everyone end up in the same "heaven" regardless of race, age, and beliefs?

While I am feeling extremely lost and pensive about what death means and if there is life after death, I am certain that everything happens for a reason. Many times it is not obvious right away, but I know that it is true. Eventually, weeks, months, years later you cope, not to forget the past, but to understand and see how events fit into some greater plan in life. No matter how devastating, tragic and upsetting these events were, everything has a purpose. You can spend all day asking why this happened, why Kyle, why now, and I have the same questions, but I don´t think you or I will get the exact answers to those questions we´re seeking. I want to spend my time remembering Kyle and honoring his life, and to find faith so that I can truly believe and understand where he is right now. For now I´d like to think that Kyle is somewhere where he can do the things he loved on Earth, play music, sports, surf, and swim. That heaven is different for every person, it´s your favorite place and things about Earth, but every day. I hope he knows we will never forget him, and I hope to continue to be reminded of him every day.